plaid is the new stripe, Jennifer is the new Nicole, and the fashion institute’s gala is the new gratuitous pr event
I think I
may be one of the only people who would have preferred that the fashion awards
focused most of their attention on the designers, models and editors, not
because their super cool, but because for the most part they are all more
interesting that Jessica Alba or Rosario Dawson and all the other desperate
starlets who love a good couture photo op. I guess they bring it on themselves
by inviting all of the b and c listers to present the awards. But like honestly
Emmy Rossum has been in like a total of 2 movies I’ve seen her lame scrawny ass
parade down more red carpets than I care to remember, never mind the fact that
she always looks like the princess of the cupcake people. You all get the
point. I’ll let the pictures tell the rest of the story.
Starting with:
Scarlett ‘bloody cunt’ Johansen and Stella McCartney or as I like to call them
SMUG ANIMAL RIGHTS CUNTS, they are a match made in ‘please shut the fuck up’
heaven. These two bitches need to take a vow of silence or something,
especially ‘B.C.’ Johansen, cause she’s not bad to look at it’s just all the
shit that comes out of her self important mouth
next
up we have Chloe Sevigny… o.k. so she’s not new to the fashion awards and all of this side
of what they call ‘the
biz’, but regardless, I think it’s time she acknowledge that it doesn’t matter
how cute her dress is, she’s got one fugly Grill. She’s trying to pull a bit of
a Gwynky come lately with her ‘I hate myself" Brenda Walsh bangs and tan
coloured blazers at the Knicks games, but it’s gonna taka a lot more that a
long fringe to hide the wreck she calls a face.
Moving
along we have Ciara who I used to love… and still hope one day to like, but
she’s making it real hard by being such a phony red carpet pony. In an
interview she did with trace last year she dogged Eve and other hip hop chicks
for going all bougie for awards shows, claiming that she was "an air force
one kinda girl", well I certainly
doubt bitch has a pair of Nike’s
underneath this champagne coloured mess. Nice one C, word to the wise you
better kick this shit or you’ll be the next Christina Millian…. Christina
who? My point exactly.
The
Olsens looked really good with props going to Ash for wearing a bomb dress, I
know it doesn’t come as naturally to her as it does to my beloved MK, but Ash
has put it a solid effort here and done well by me at least, minus the face.
Then
there were the actual fashion contingent, Gisele, who looks better than she has
in ages (thanks in no small part I’m sure to having dumped nearly 200lbs of
dead weight in Leo DiCaprio, and gotten a little face work done….) Also looking
great was Maple Ontario’s own Jessica Stam, who was having a bit of fling with
geriatric rocker Anthony Keidis earlier this year before he ditched her for a Russian
or Latvian or something…. Those eastern block girls just want everything they
can get. And then the pap shot of the night for me… Kate Moss with Mario
Testino and Daria Werbory. What’s a girl like Kate to do when every bitch is
copying her style? Just keep it real and hope to weed out the cheap imposters. Kate
was the only woman in the photos I’ve seen who wore pants to the event and
though this photo does not give explicit details, they look to be quite nice…
meanwhile when not posing with these fashion heavyweights, Scarborough native (and
not too cool to humor two drunken people on a mission to find rolling papers)
Daria, was hanging off the arm of what looked to be a rich hot guy, no one I know,
but you could tell he was really rich just by his eyes.
Charlize
Theron’s been dealing with rumors of a split from her gay boyfriend/life
partner (isn’t she cute, she refuses to marry until homos get matrimonial
rights) for ages and tongues are about to begin wagging again as a lonely Drew
Barrymore, evidently abandoned by Fabrizzio Moretti, and feeling rather
vulnerable clings for dear life and sanity to Theron’s man, someone Townsend.
Both ladies
look lovely and the boy looks pretty scarred.
For
the Grill report: lets talk about getting from one place to another…. For these
three ladies it’s only a concept and will never be a reality. Eve, you can take
the girl out of the hood, but you cant turn a shit smeared thong into couture,
until the day she has those 
ridiculous paw prints burned off of her body she
will always be ( I know I’m not supposed to) way too Ghetto for her own good. Now
as far as Sienna is 
concerned I just wanted to remind that shinny pig faced
little twat that her future will look a lot like Almost Famous’s not very
famous at all supporting star Zooey Deschanel, who basically does a bit part in
one movie every couple of years and intermittently gets photographed being cute for
various magazines…
The question mark crew:
Lily Cole, sometimes I like her sometimes I
look at her and feel nervous, this time is definitely the latter. She has the
face of a baby porcelain doll, so seeing her rock some 80’s looking glamour
slut look is a little too jarring for my sensitive eyes. Her man is o.k.
though.
Zac Posen, you are
one giant question mark…. Part ugly small part cute, part nice design, part
total cheese, part impressive clientele, part your BFF with Nathalie Portman,
WFT??? And here for your worst offence yet, you are actually (and it seems, by
choice) carting around rich and famous no good loser Jessica Joffe??? She is
essentially the rich mans Paris Hilton, and a smug snob at that she ought to
have come in with Stella McCartney, all I’m saying is that it doesn’t bode well
Posen…
And in the spirit of pointe d’interogation
This next segment of the Question mark
crew is called things that make you go huh? Starting with the most startling .
Celluloid wet dream Mark Ruffalo, a.k.a you can come to Ruff my lo, if you know
what I mean, has a fat and ugly shinny wife?!?!? (Check out in the cut to see
his beautiful cock.)
Anna Wintour, are you
crazy, or just senile? What in God’s name possessed you to wear this taffeta silk
capey housecoat over that shinny disco coke whore number with the delicate pink embroidered girly ass
dress? You are a
grown ass woman, why are you dressed like a 7-year-old playing
princess??? Get your shit together Wintour, you’re supposed to be the host not
the star of US weekly’s worst dressed page, cause baby that’s where it looks
like your headed. Better luck next time no style.
And now finally what
you all came for: Jennifer Lopez is to Mark Anthony what Nicole Kidman was to
Tom Cruise, let the pics tell the story, it’s a tale of compromise and settling,
intimidation and a spiral of self hatred. J Lo yo
u 
are better than thi
s. Look at her smile and at his hands.
Jenny, I wish you all the best and a flopurishing carreer after you get the hell out of your marriage to that nasty rat lookin dude.
love BGAxox, you aint got nothin on a butterscotch mane.
