The BGA

That
it’s time for a good ol fashioned bean spill isn’t it?
So it’s baby pandemonium right now. We’ve got Suri, the alien baby of Stepfords
own Tom and Katie, who incidentally is getting " how to not be a fat pig
after childbirth" lessons from Posh Spice.
We also know about Shiloh Nouvel Jollie Pitt (a fitting name for the American
dream baby, who’s actually eligible to be a Namibian). Did we all know about
Kingston James McGregor Rossdale, the little LAMB that Gwen and Gavs introduced
to L.A. on Thursday or Friday? Brooke Shields had a baby, but we only care
cause it amusingly coincided with Tomkitten, at the same maternity ward no
less, well sort of… none of these celebs actually give birth let alone set
foot in a maternity ward. They generally opt for an Invasion Babare style wing
rental and use of the O.R. and best plastic surgeon to cut the baby out of the
stomach and find a clever way to stitch it all back up with no scars so
that they can still do that semi nude spread for VF or W next month. And besides,
as
Gawker put it, "the birth, [] took place via Caesarean section.
Because baby or no, you don’t fuck up a million dollar vagina."
Former somebody Geri Haliwell of Spice Girl fame (Ginger) (and formerly skinny,
I’m talkin ano skinny) gave birth to Bluebell Madonna (and got fat in the
process), I’m not even talkin about this name, cause everybody else did so you
all know the lame reasons she turned her baby’s name into a desperate cry for
publicity. Besides you know she’s totally gonna call the kid Sarah or Melissa
at home.
Then we have the marital woes and fecundity of Americas favourite reality drama
star Britney Spears who in addition to being preggers again is not so subtlety
trying to seduce the new mannie, Perry. Us weekly ran a blurb that they totally
took from Pink is the new blog noting how Britney’s been brushing her hair
(almost) and wearing clean clothes and putting make up on. Not to mention her
afternoon strolls with the mannie sans baby. and we all know what celebrity
baby watchers do when not tending to their charges (need I mention Jude Law and
Daisy Fay or whatever her name is, or the Kennedy’s for that matter?)
I could write a syndicated column of nothing but advice for Britney on how to
get her shit together and get back on top, I keep oscillating between compassion
and loathing for her, but at the end of the day whether I feel bad for her or
not, doesn’t change the fact that she’s been poison to our culture for nearly a
decade. And that throughout her fame, any time she’s exploited some big ticket controversy
to sell her records and merch, she’s done so while skirting all accountability.
So now that it’s time for her to face the consequences of her actions who am I
to stand in the way of her getting her just deserts.

Speaking of exploitation, desert, useless wastes of flesh and million dollar
vaginas, remember the baby names I have just mentioned because these, my
friends, are going to be the Lourdes ‘Lola" Ciccones’s and Paris Hiltons
of our future. While Shiloh will probably go more the route of the Uma Thurmon,
or Wynona Ryder, trust you me Suri will be a Juliette Lewis attention junkie,
and Kingston will be a Brandon Davis (but actually good looking until he reaches
his 30’s, just like his daddy). And Brooke Shields’ no name babies will
probably be like Rod Stewarts ugly smelly foot daughter, while Coco Arquette
will no doubt be a ringleader corralling all these soon to be rich brats from
ring party to ring party.
Sean Preston is going to be a wife beating FAT ugly piece of trash. He’ll
always be getting media coverage for drugs and prostitutes and gambling debts
paid in full by his mamas retirement fund. In all fairness between the fatal alcohol
and ‘dropped on the head’ incidents he doesn’t really stand a fair chance, does
he?

Now onto totally unrelated gossip, Today I read something about M.I.A. who was
pretty much dead to me after the whole Mazda thing, It turns out not only was
her Sunshowers video banned from MTV U.S. ages ago for a reference she
makes to suicide bombing? (i don’t know if there’s a direct S.B. reference but
the line they highlit in the article was "like PLO I don’t surrender"
regardless that was just the tip of the hypocritical iceberg. So now she’s been
barred from entering the U.S. to work. No Visa for M.I.A. who had hopped to
record her follow up album in L.A. with her new BFFs: Lindsay Lohan and Mischa
Barton. Apparently the U.S government doesn’t like her ostensibly supportive
relationship with the Tamil Tigers.
This to me is blatantly ridiculous, sure M.I.A talks a lot of shit, but if you
pay close attention to her she’s not really saying much, and like as far as MTV
banning her video… have they even watched a Mob deep video? And what about
the current chart topper "I’m in love with a Stripper", don’t get me
started on "Pussy Poppin" and any of 50’s singles. What’s the
difference between a terrorist and a full on armed bully? Scale? Well to be
honest i think 50’s influence extends pretty far.
If i sound like a jerk likening alleged terrorist support to violent misogynist
rhymes, I’m just saying it’s a little convenient to censor one and not the
other.

Rebecca
Romaijn wears fake tities in X-men, Sophia Crappola gets booed by reporters
following the screening of her latest effort starring troll faced Kirsten
Dunst, at Cannes (took them long enough)
Brandon Davis apologizes for his "reprehensible behaviour" after his
drunken descent into the most basic form of dissing (in this case, Lindsay
Lohans genitals), Jennifer Aniston goes on a press tour for her latest box
office bomb to be, kisses lots of ass flipps hair and doesn’t say much of
anything other than the same old tired anecdotes we’ve been hearing since March’s Vogue was released in February. Vince Vaughn does similar tour, only he
dishes all and says that in addition to wanting to marry "Jen in the
future he wants to make her heavy with child (good luck Vince!),  Cate
Blanchette (among others) will play Bob Dylan in new Biopic directed by Matthew
Haynes,  Hillary Swank is  really ditching that dead weight husband
of hers once  and for all. I still don’t give a toss about Hillary Swank.
I hear that Jessica Simpson is inconsolable after being turned away by, most of
Hollywood’s plastic surgeons. It
seems no doctor will agree to go through with a procedure to shave her jawbone
to give her a less Manish face. Jess word to the wise, keep wearing those
plunging necklines, no one… not even your daddy is lookin at the grill.
Owen Wilson takes advantage of being a celebrity in a health food store, and
exposes it’s employees and patrons to foot and mouth disease.  Paris Hilton’s tit falls out
of her bathing suit on video shoot. No one’s surprised, no one cares, so she
goes ahead a blows her co-star to up the ante. Jake Gyllenhal gives flowers to
his new pint sized bitch ass GF Natalie Portman. Denise Richards is still way
too B-list for me to care

Britney
Spears has been posting what she calls her "stream of consciousness"
"poems" on her official web page for a while. It’s amusing
that people like Britney, Mariah, Ashanti, Jewel, T Boz and Alanis Morissette refer
to themselves as ‘Artists’ and it’s outright hilarious that they call their
journal entries Poems. Most recently she posted and then removed and
then re-posted this sort of disillusioned sounding piece of crap that could
only be directed at her big mistake of a husband (who, of course, i have
sympathy for, despite my better judgement) complete with biblical reference
(the sin of the father is passed on to the son???? how about his virgin-whore
mother?) It’s sad that Britney keeps letting that poor baby fall, slouch or be
dropped.  It’s sad that she looks like the kind of hick a two-dollar truck
stop ho would call trash. It’s sad that she seems more enamoured with both of
her two new mannies that with her chosen spouse, and that said mannies seem to
care more about Sean Preston than K- Fed does. But what is really tragic here,
is that millions of young people will go that god-awful website, see the trite
she’s posted and believe they have read poetry.

Now bearing that in mind, I have some stream of conscious poetry directed at my
boyfriend that I’d like to share with the nine to twelve year old girls of this
world, stuff they will no doubt relate to.

Been gone so long, and all I do is long
our love was so young and lasted all night long
I miss your face baby, I miss your sweet dong
I’m comin for you baby, like that blond in King Kong

Minutes pass like hours, and hours like days
I know you’re only gone so long because this gig pays
but "how can I trust you if I can’t see you?" and I don’t like those
country gays
without you beside me I’m lost in a maze

Like Mary J Blige: I can’t be without you
if we don’t speak soon I don’t know what I’ll do
you promise you love me and that you’re staying true
I feel miserable without you, you say you do too

So when you come home, back to my arms
I hope I’m still familiar with all your old charms
that we’re not just 2 strangers feeling alarmed
and that united our great love is safe from all harms.

I am particularly proud of the blond in king kong rhyme to be honest. Baby, you
are the brightest blond to my King Kong. 
Sadly I must admit that I studied, for a time, prose and poetry, though I never
thought myself particularly talented, and this four-verse rhymer is probably
better than anything in the B+ portfolio I submitted to Stephanie Bolster in
2001.

On a completely separate note, I read this story on
bbc.com today and wanted to include a link, because sometimes bikers can be so
sweet. Here it is

So last night was the not so dramatic
conclusion to a lack luster season of Americas Next Top Best Friend, I mean
Model. This season was pretty tame in comparison to previous years where the
drama in the house was always more exciting than the results of the photo
shoots. This year it was bland sorority style bullshit between the exciting
photos. In fact last night when it was down to the final two Tyra was like
“shit girl these are the best pictures we’ve had since the show started” what
she neglected to say was, this is the first year where they’ve consistently had
product endorsement paying for every single shoot.

Jade and Furonda where the only girls who were
bringin it to the show; the only ones who knew how to stir shit. Danielle bless
her sweet southern heart was the picture of patience and a steer clear of
trouble attitude. I loved the girl and
if we consider health problems to be drama than she brought her share, but to
be honest I mostly liked her for her pictures and resilience. Sure I respect her,
sort of, but she wasn’t as entertaining as some. And Joanie… well, here’s the
thing: she could deliver great photos, but her chin is an ugly shape, her whole
face it’s shaped weird, she looks fat and jowley. Not to mention her
personality was about as phony as Lee press on nails. She had her moments but
she was too convinced that she had what nobody else did, she was really just as
bad as Jade, but she was a total pussy about it, she’d do all this behind the
scenes political shit, but never come out and say I think I’m better than you,
she’d go the “I don’t think she’s good enough” route but never assert
what she evidently felt was her own superiority over the other contestants.
Jade may have been arrogant, ignorant and somewhat delusional about how great
she was but at least she was honest she put herself forward unguarded so we
could be entertained and judge the hell out of her. For instance, I love how
every time people tell her she sucks she just shakes her head as if to say: you
just don’t understand, and she was right they didn’t.

To be honest I felt she understood ANTM better
than most, better than even some of the viewers of the show, who may have been
persuaded to dislike jade for the wrong reasons. She said it best in episode 4; “this is not America’s Next Top
Best Friend…” it is a modeling competition, and flat out excluding the elephant
and ice queen pictures Jade could deliver. Sure some may not appreciate her
beauty (my elder sister refers to her as skeletor, something about the
pronounced cheekbones) but I thought from the beginning she was one of the
prettiest girls (don’t get me wrong Danielle is way prettier) but Jade is
pretty, photogenic, and pretty good at modeling.

So who do we send home? The Host who thinks she
knows it all and compulsively doles out the wisdom like the modeling dali lamma
(and you know how I feel about him)

Or the contestant who thinks she knows better?

Well my verdict is in, Tyra, thank you so much
for six wonderful season, it was great concept and whichever person brought it
to you, so you could bring it to us, thank you so much, but I think you need to
pass the torch along, lets give some other retired 90’s era models a chance to
host a T.V. I bet Linda Evangelista has a lot of bitch in her, or maybe Cindy
Crawford? Obviously Kate Moss would be the ideal, but she’s so above Network
television. Naomi would inevitably assault someone and that would be no good,
Liz Hurley was really good on project Catwalk, but she just got canned, not to
mention she has never been a particularly good model (or even pretty). Gisele
doesn’t speak enough English, Turlington seems to sweet Oh there that Seymour
girl the one who used to be married to Axl Rose, she’s got to have some edge
left in her and she’s hot.

Anyways here are some
more pictures of the ANTM final 3, Congratulations Danielle, I hope to see you
in print soon.  Daniell 1st place then there was Joanie in Second and Jade in 3rd.
While we’re still on the topic,
don’t forget that beginning May 31st we are indeed as Jay Emanuel Likes to
remind us, getting our own top model here in Canada. Hosted by Battlestar
Gallactica’s freaky Machiavellian Mephistoefilian Cylone #6, Tricia Helpher who
began her career as a model in Saskatchewan.

except for the lingering debt, absentee boy & best friend, my other best friend who’s skippin town, not having found the right person to live with for the next year, finding it exceedingly difficult to pick up and make something, crime shows on every night, not enough money to go out, waste my money on a cheese croissant for brekie every morning!!! and my inability to communicate with my mother with out having a fight….

Other than that, life is a song, i swear it is.

BGA

10.
The reckless driver who nearly took me and my dad out this afternoon while
talking on her cell phone. When we shouted "Oi! look out!"(to save
our own fragile flesh) Bitch had the nerve to be like "Sorry, what do you
want from me?" Like we were over reacting, so we both screamed: "For
you to get off the phone you stupid cunt!" Well I said the last part
alone.

9. People and their damn cell phones, If their not nearly running you over,
their carrying on personal conversations on the bus or in the coffee shop or
where fucking ever the god damn urge hits them. Do you need to be talking to
someone every minute of the day? I
know how you can deal with that

8. Nasty garbage on everybody’s front lawn. What gives. Pick up the shit on
your lawn. And for everyone else, don’t throw your shit away on peoples lawns.

7. That dumb ass 905er who thought that I would give a shit that he doesn’t
like my jeans, bitch if I wanted to look like a barely literate ex con, I’d ask
for your advice. I am quite content to look like a downtown homo.

6. How every cup of coffee is too small, yet always manages to get cold before
I’m done.

5. How Poops’ computer is a  2 ton paper weight in my office.

4.How no jeans are long enough for me or fit right, and the ones that I like sell
for $325.00. Who the fuck can justify $325.00 for a pair of jeans. (p.s. if you see me in
nice new jeans, please don’t ask me to justify buying them)

3. How some bitch who calls herself Dana Fine arts (more like Dana big fat
bitch!) out bid me on the large format Polaroid back I was gonna get for under
$20.00 at the very last minute cause she’s a sneaky rat.

2. How every time I turn on the radio I catch the end of a song and ten minutes
of advertisements

1. Treeplanting. Fuck this ‘I’ll be gone ’till November’ bullshit. Rural manual
labour jobs are for illegal migrant workers.

I think I
may be one of the only people who would have preferred that the fashion awards
focused most of their attention on the designers, models and editors, not
because their super cool, but because for the most part they are all more
interesting that Jessica Alba or Rosario Dawson and all the other desperate
starlets who love a good couture photo op. I guess they bring it on themselves
by inviting all of the b and c listers to present the awards. But like honestly
Emmy Rossum has been in like a total of 2 movies I’ve seen her lame scrawny ass
parade down more red carpets than I care to remember, never mind the fact that
she always looks like the princess of the cupcake people. You all get the
point. I’ll let the pictures tell the rest of the story.

Starting with:
Scarlett ‘bloody cunt’ Johansen and Stella McCartney or as I like to call them
SMUG ANIMAL RIGHTS CUNTS, they are a match made in ‘please shut the fuck up’
heaven. These two bitches need to take a vow of silence or something,
especially ‘B.C.’ Johansen, cause she’s not bad to look at it’s just all the
shit that comes out of her self important mouth

next
up we have Chloe Sevigny… o.k. so she’s not new to the fashion awards and all of this side of what they call ‘the
biz’, but regardless, I think it’s time she acknowledge that it doesn’t matter
how cute her dress is, she’s got one fugly Grill. She’s trying to pull a bit of
a Gwynky come lately with her ‘I hate myself" Brenda Walsh bangs and tan
coloured blazers at the Knicks games, but it’s gonna taka a lot more that a
long fringe to hide the wreck she calls a face.

Moving
along we have Ciara who I used to love… and still hope one day to like, but
she’s making it real hard by being such a phony red carpet pony. In an
interview she did with trace last year she dogged Eve and other hip hop chicks
for going all bougie for awards shows, claiming that she was "an air force
one kinda girl", well I certainly doubt bitch has a pair of Nike’s
underneath this champagne coloured mess. Nice one C, word to the wise you
better kick this shit or you’ll be the next Christina Millian…. Christina
who? My point exactly.

 The
Olsens looked really good with props going to Ash for wearing a bomb dress, I
know it doesn’t come as naturally to her as it does to my beloved MK, but Ash
has put it a solid effort here and done well by me at least, minus the face.

Then
there were the actual fashion contingent, Gisele, who looks better than she has
in ages (thanks in no small part I’m sure to having dumped nearly 200lbs of
dead weight in Leo DiCaprio, and gotten a little face work done….) Also looking
great was Maple Ontario’s own Jessica Stam, who was having a bit of fling with
geriatric rocker Anthony Keidis earlier this year before he ditched her for a Russian
or Latvian or something…. Those eastern block girls just want everything they
can get. And then the pap shot of the night for me… Kate Moss with Mario
Testino and Daria Werbory. What’s a girl like Kate to do when every bitch is
copying her style? Just keep it real and hope to weed out the cheap imposters. Kate
was the only woman in the photos I’ve seen who wore pants to the event and
though this photo does not give explicit details, they look to be quite nice…
meanwhile when not posing with these fashion heavyweights, Scarborough native (and
not too cool to humor two drunken people on a mission to find rolling papers)
Daria, was hanging off the arm of what looked to be a rich hot guy, no one I know,
but you could tell he was really rich just by his eyes.

Charlize
Theron’s been dealing with rumors of a split from her gay boyfriend/life
partner (isn’t she cute, she refuses to marry until homos get matrimonial
rights) for ages and tongues are about to begin wagging again as a lonely Drew
Barrymore, evidently abandoned by Fabrizzio Moretti, and feeling rather
vulnerable clings for dear life and sanity to Theron’s man, someone Townsend.
Both ladies

look lovely and the boy looks pretty scarred.

For
the Grill report: lets talk about getting from one place to another…. For these
three ladies it’s only a concept and will never be a reality. Eve, you can take
the girl out of the hood, but you cant turn a shit smeared thong into couture,
until the day she has those ridiculous paw prints burned off of her body she
will always be ( I know I’m not supposed to) way too Ghetto for her own good. Now
as far as Sienna is concerned I just wanted to remind that shinny pig faced
little twat that her future will look a lot like Almost Famous’s not very
famous at all supporting star Zooey Deschanel, who basically does a bit part in
one movie every couple of years and intermittently gets photographed being cute for
various magazines…

The question mark crew:

Lily Cole, sometimes I like her sometimes I
look at her and feel nervous, this time is definitely the latter. She has the
face of a baby porcelain doll, so seeing her rock some 80’s looking glamour
slut look is a little too jarring for my sensitive eyes. Her man is o.k.
though.

Zac Posen, you are
one giant question mark…. Part ugly small part cute, part nice design, part
total cheese, part impressive clientele, part your BFF with Nathalie Portman,
WFT??? And here for your worst offence yet, you are actually (and it seems, by
choice) carting around rich and famous no good loser Jessica Joffe??? She is
essentially the rich mans Paris Hilton, and a smug snob at that she ought to
have come in with Stella McCartney, all I’m saying is that it doesn’t bode well
Posen…

And in the spirit of pointe d’interogation
This next segment of the Question mark
crew is called things that make you go huh? Starting with the most startling .
Celluloid wet dream Mark Ruffalo, a.k.a you can come to Ruff my lo, if you know
what I mean, has a fat and ugly shinny wife?!?!? (Check out in the cut to see
his beautiful cock.)

Anna Wintour, are you
crazy, or just senile? What in God’s name possessed you to wear this taffeta silk
capey housecoat over that shinny disco coke whore number with the delicate pink embroidered girly ass
dress? You are a grown ass woman, why are you dressed like a 7-year-old playing
princess??? Get your shit together Wintour, you’re supposed to be the host not
the star of US weekly’s worst dressed page, cause baby that’s where it looks
like your headed. Better luck next time no style.

And now finally what
you all came for: Jennifer Lopez is to Mark Anthony what Nicole Kidman was to
Tom Cruise, let the pics tell the story, it’s a tale of compromise and settling,
intimidation and a spiral of self hatred. J Lo you are better than this.  Look at her smile and at his hands.
Jenny, I wish you all the best and a flopurishing carreer after you get the hell out of your marriage to that nasty rat lookin dude.

love BGAxox, you aint got nothin on a butterscotch mane.