how funny you should ask
I
was saying to Kate and Eden last night that as a child I used to lock myself in
the bathroom for hours and stand on the toilet accepting awards and delivering
tense and heartbreaking monologues, and my personal favourite, a habit I have
happily held onto through adulthood is the fluff piece interview, sometimes
it’s Nancy O’Dell, sometimes it’s Oprah, but mostly it’s Barbara Walters. With
Nancy I’m charming witty flirty and all smiles, with Oprah I’m usually quite
contrary, disgusted by her questions and pedantic interview style. With Babs
it’s a free for all, sometimes I’ve stopped by 20/20 to promote some cause I
believe in sometimes she wants me to confess my adolescent traumas, which I
never do (I have never cried on a talk show, although once when I was on the
Tyra show I just got up and walked off, it was just ridiculous and the
producers totally got me there under false pretence) but mostly I’m just waxing
philosophic about the state of the world and how my ideas could change our
civilisation, at the end of the interview Barbara tells me how fascinating it
has been meeting with me again, and that she looks forward to my being on her
show again. Sometimes I go to the View, but usually on the days she’s not
there. The View always ends the same for me, I get on well with Meredith Viara
and Joy Bahar (in fact Joy and I are making non stop off colour jokes from the
moment I walk on stage) but I am outwardly hostile towards Star Jones Reynolds,
you would be to, she’s such a phoney bitch in real life, and if the young one
tries to talk to me I just tell her to ‘zip it’ Janice Dickinson. Speaking of
which I got kicked off Americas Next Top Model this afternoon, and boy did
those judges get a talking to, I didn’t humiliate myself, I never do except at
the Nickelodeon awards, but it’s kind of expected there, but yeah I just told
those judges what their problems were but it wasn’t all bad, I had some real
encouraging words for my peers and they all raced to embrace me as I left the
stage once and for all.
These talk show interludes are not exclusive to the toilet top perch, sometimes
I inadvertently invite an interviewer (usually copy) to accompany me on my
errands or whatever, they’re usually quite gracious about it, and I’m always
sure it’ll land me a bi-line on how down to earth I am "he does his own
groceries!" Lately the Media’s been turning on me though and I find
more often than not my opinions are landing me in hot water, and it’s a real
dilemma cause you never know what to do, do you a) pull a Beyonce and recite
some quotable sweet as apple pie platitude or do I b) say: "Personally, I
think George Clooney, along with Gwyneth, need to get off their high horses and
start being realistic." Sure the reporters love it, but once you’ve that
kind of quote out there, you know it’s only a mater of time before the vultures
come for you. It also seems that my recent bad behaviour on Oprah has given me
a rap as the loose cannon who’s full of sound bites and bitterness. And
nothing is worse than feeling vilified and misunderstood. Had she let me finish
speaking she would have had no choice but to agree with me, as it stands Ellen
has asked that I promise not to loose my temper. at least no one tries to get
me on Dr. Pill that would be a sure fire way to make sure that no one wanted to
ask me a question in front of a rolling camera as long as I lived.
Maybe its time fro me to try a different direction, like sketch comedy of or
guest judge? I always felt I was better suited to positions of power.
BGA
