The BGA

Although I still check thesuperficial.com daily to get my
fix of celeb slander,  the actual content of the stories included on such
websites or in the weekly glossies, (that I will still read) seem to hold less
and less appeal, particularly since all of the stories seem like total plants,
of course Kirsten Dunst slept with Orlando, it was practically contractually
obliged, as was the soon to be leaked grainy not too incriminating, but
unmistakably genuine sex tape they made. And what’s more those rags have
entirely too many pages devoted to celebrity hairstyles and makeup tricks,
don’t get me wrong I enjoy the red carpet shots but I frankly don’t give a shit
about how Ashlee Simpson’s stylist decided to soften her look with a loose side
French braid

It’s all about insider blogs where the gossip focuses on the
blunders of editors, publishers, writers and leaky fact checkers. O.K so maybe
it sounds dry but it’s not, and what’s better is that you also get celeb gossip
only you get it from the source, all the crap that will never make it to press
is getting leaked by some Conde Nast underling, who will be caught and fired,
and in turn provide the next days inside story.

So first I read superficial, then I go to GAWKER.com it’s
not for everyone, but if you’re bored of Jessica and Nick. Then if I have time
I’ll check out Jossip although the J.O.S. is a little more of a mix of in front
and behind. Occasionally OMGblog has something super funny, but my computer at
work won’t see that page properly.

For some reason reading dirty stories about the stupid
things rich and powerful people have done (despite the fact that I couldn’t
pick them out of a three person line up) is so interesting to me. Unless you got a real good dirty story
about: Brad, and I’m talking bare fact: he has a dungeon and is into 14 year
old boys or something good like that… no wedding conjecture, or for instance an
exclusive with Kate Moss about all the fashionable hypocrites she’ll never talk
to again. I think I’ve made my point. Pictures of coiffed people getting their
Starbucks are not going to cut it anymore.

Which brings me to a second and totally unrelated point. I
read this quote from the guy who’s all like big up for the American
broadcasting decency standards or some shit…

“The cable industry should do something to provide parents
with more tools to control what their kids watch. Cable operators could put
together a package of all channels geared to families and children and sell it
separately from channels not for families and children.”

Now hold on just one second Mister. Ok sure I think parents
should definitely be aware, or even involved in what their children watch on television, in fact in a perfect
"we all have plenty of time" kinda world I’d suggest that parents watch the teli
with their kids, but not as Kevin Martin suggest that we figure out yet another
way for absentee parents to “control what their kids watch.” That’s bullshit. Kids are people, short
bratty people, the whole notion that a parent can CONTROL what their kid sees
is unfair to both the parents and the kids, it sets parents up to think that
they have the right to try to control every aspect of their child identity (I
know two such parents who would not let their effete son take ballet class for
fear it would turn him into something he already was, and insisted that he play
baseball… an utterly dreary sport that left him totally unenthused and he got
fat, and felt bad about ballet… until years later when he got skinny and hot
and told his parents it was dumb for them to have tried to steer him a specific
direction like that, cause everybody gets to live their life and it’s just
plain selfish to try and live two)

But that’s what it all boils down to, A) you can’t control
the world your kids live in; all you can do is help them understand it. B) You
only get to live one life, if you selfishly mistake your child’s life (and
their right to make their own decisions) for yours, only one thing is guaranteed,
and that’s not that your son or daughter will turn out exactly as you wanted
(it’s that they will hate you).

B.G.A. is for the kids

Christina Alviani was a spoiled little girl whose grandma
would pack a bag full of cookies into her lunch everyday. This is how she
turned our entire first grade class into a bunch of friend hookers. Everyday
her majesty would bestow the bag of cookies on to some other poor loser and
with that simple gesture she was able to take full control of the
popularity higherarchy in the French immersion split grades at regal road. But
that’s not why i hate her. I liked the cookies; I hated her lies, her rumours
and her silk scarf as a belt that just looked plain stupid and kinda trampy,
her expensive ballet class, her junior anorexia, her whiney voice, her mother
the principle, her aunt our teacher and her birthday parties…. akin to the
vanity fair Oscar after party, you’re b list or lower if you cant get in. I
hate that she stole Tammy McNabb from me over and over, and that when some new
girl (provided she was a pretty rich little white girl) would join our class
she just ditch Tammy and I hated that she spread vicious rumours that I thought
her mom had big boobs, I mean clearly her mom was stacked (but that was only
the result of her being a FAT ASS) but i was as gay as the sun was bright, and
I could’ve cared less about her stupid bitch moms tats. I hated that she always
got what she wanted, and not just at Christmas when we’d have to spend all
recess listening to her wax on about her pony, her dads 7 houses (even though
he never spent time with her cause he was a loser dead beat) her Barbie’s and
all the fun she had at "the farm" during her holiday, and how she cut
her long ponytail and saved it, and how she saw Santa Cause, so she knew for a
fact that he was real (I told you she was a liar). I hated that I eagerly
traded away my dignity for a fucking bag of animal crackers. I hate that that
cracker bitch nearly had Chanda expelled cause unlike her Chanda was poor so no
doubt if Christina’s stupid ass pencil case went missing it had to have been
stolen by Chanda, and couldn’t possibly have been left on the bus, or stuck in
her pussy from that experiment she conducted the night before. And I hate that
her pencil case showed us just how ugly a group of people we were when we
nearly burned Kisha and Chanda at the stake to smoke those fuckers
out.   I don’t know her anymore so maybe she’s less of an asshole
dirt bag, but I have a feeling.

Francesa Gitto,
Francesca was actually friends with Christina, they went to ballet class
together. I personally only met Franny when I changed schools leaving Christina and her cookie crumb-eating minions to go to Winona while I opted for the
small picturesque and ghettoesque Saint Noel Chabanel (he was a martyr, a
poorly received European missionary who was tossed in the river by the
indigenous who were busy with their own education.) Out at Jane and Wilson
there were a lot of things for a sheltered 11 year old to fear and I resented
that it was character slander on day one coming from the mouth of some uppity
bitch I’d never met before, but who was quite evidently well aware of who I
was, that scared me. "I know who you are" she said, "I saw you
at J.J.P. and you had no right to do what you did" I was like "are
you joking?" (I later found out what I did was some youthful flirtatious
horsing around with a girlfriend (in the platonic sense) of mine from day camp…
something innocent that Francesca apparently knew nothing about… could that
have been cause no boy in his right mind was interested in flirting with
trouble like that???)

Regardless
that self righteous bitch dug her own grave aside from being blatantly racist,
she was also a slow learner (which there’s nothing to be ashamed about….
unless your one of those boastful muther fuckers who’s always on about how much
better you are than everybody else), kinda ugly, and totally over shone by her
hot and clever little sister (of course, all good things come to an end, and
her little sister, the last I heard, was also a hardened racist bitch)
that cunt was just so mean and for no reason, I never understood. Oh and she’d
go on and on about celibacy, we were in the seventh grade and bitch was all,
I’m going to be a virgin till marriage all self righteous when we all knew
plain as day, with her self confidence, by the tenth grade Francesca would
spread like warm butter and get stuffed like a holiday turkey.
I also wanted to give an "I still hate you" shout out to Ay-linn
Chowa, that little turn coat bitch was like my best friend in grade four and
five till she for no other reason than jealousy ratted me out in front of the
whole class on some secret I told her at lunch, what fucking gives, don’t you
have any understanding of what a best friend is???? and besides if I had had
less class and decorum things coulda got real messy, I coulda sold you out like
M.I.A. and lord only knows who woulda wanted to be your friend then, but
instead I considered it good riddance, house keeping and besides I heard you
were a total lame-o in high school and I know your parents will never let you
marry a white man like you want. So Ha! Your betrayal came as a shock but was
the easiest to come to terms with you were a schemey bitch and destined to ruin
your own life through meanness (also self righteous… born again "have
you been saved? then prepare for the fiery pits of hell and eternal
damnation" shit) so peace be with you thieving , lying, tattling, fake
menstruating dumbass.
AS for Christina and Francesca, I hope for the sakes of those around you that
you’re not such bitches anymore, but I doubt you’ve abandoned your cruel roots.
on a less vindictive note, you were really cool when we were young shout outs
go to : Lindsey Hacker, Vanessa Bailey Phillips, Tammy, Tonia, Lucas, Charlene
and Dylan, Ian Sharp, Caleb, Laura Defelice, Fadina, and Tashi Wilson, Marina
Amato, Nickiel (even though we argued as we got older… I never really
understood why), Kayla Costello, Benjamin, David Taylor and on and on I wish
you all the best and hope i get to  see you one day.
P.S. I’ve totally chickened out about exposing my life, i decided it’s more of
an oral tradition like the jews got, so if you aint hearin it outta my mouth,
you aint hearin it point finale.
ok. BGA

Two
times in my second week living in the T deezy Homeless guys shouted obscenities
at me pertaining to sexual practice, (sadly they were both mistaken, the last
time I could really have been considered a cocksucker was at least 4 months ago
(who are we kidding it’s been almost 6 months) it seems as though an ocean of
time has passed since I last proved I was in fact a gay, and I’ve got to say
lacking my fill of gayness has started me on a progression to becoming a
straight man: I am way moodier, I always think I am right and my female
roommates are wrong and dumb, I have temper tantrums when I don’t get my way,
and my standards for female beauty have been on a steady decline.) But back to
the glasshouse owning stone throwers. So these two guys, one a boozed up low
income downtown potential dope head and one clearly crazy homeless stinker
(sidebar, the fact that the crazy guy is a stinker is not an character
assassination so much as an observation of his olfactory quality) anyways both
unprovokedly decided that what was lacking in my life was a proper name or name
cluster for me to identify myself with and so they offered the perennial
favourite "cocksucking faggot" which in the right setting I love to
hear, but since neither of them were guest in my bedroom with sexy weapons with
which to discipline me, my response was less than enthusiastic. Oh and I forgot
to mention, both times I was with my sisters, the first the dope head special,
I was with Julie in front of the Beaconsfield bar on our way to get some smokes,
and the guy was like you stupid rich white boy cocksucking faggot, and I
groaned cause I was like, if I really was rich would that hurt less, cause I
could buy and sell him into white slavery or, because then he’d be right about
everything and it would be more like a pep squad and I could join in gleefully
"YES! I am an R.I.C.H. F.A.G.G.O.T.!! And I like the D.I.C.K. In My
F.A.C.E!" but I’m not rich so I just groaned, Julie however had a
decidedly more hostile response to the incident, and turned to the scorner and
screamed "YOU IGNORANT FOOL!" after him. It was funny cause he was a
total jerk, but I just felt like he was really unhappy and was looking for some
easy target to vent his powerless frustration at, and so I felt my groan was
sufficient, you know a kind of, oh brother, you got it wrong. But the funny
part was watching sweet pretty 22 year old Julie telling some 50 year old he
was an ignorant fool, she seemed so righteous (which she rarely does) and
protective, which is usually my job.
The very next day I was out with my other sister Christine and the stinky crazy
came up beside us as we walked past Toronto City Hall. We had just sat through
3 hours of a Matthew Barney jerk off session with BJ and so we were both
annoyed to begin with, and this dude start mumbling on about cocksucker dirty
faggot blah blah blah… I was completely oblivious to him, but Christine was
right beside the guy and knew just what was going on, and so she starts arguing
with him and now he’s getting all huffy and shouting, and I hear her go "I
will smash your face against the pavement”, which I found rather harsh and then
he said something nasty and she says "You are a stinking piece of
shit" and we walk away. I start laughing and then feeling bad and I’m like
all " but he cant help that he stinks like a piece of shit he’s
homeless" and Christine says "exactly, he cant help that he smells
like shit and I bet most people don’t go out of their way to tell him so why
the hell did he have to come up on us and be like all" and I’m like
"good point" but we both felt guilty after.
I think part of it is also and I am beginning to remember more and more before
I left Toronto, how I was here. You know that feeling on the back of your neck
like someone’s watching you with a rock in their hand, I’m sure all you dark
skinned people can relate, unless you live in a country where it’s mostly dark
people, regardless that ‘I better watch my step’ kinda feeling, in Montreal I
had thrown that bitch away. It’s probably cause I was in art school, the worlds
most sheltered place for social misfits and cause Montreal is so jam packed
with cocksucking fagots that I never felt threatened to dance to my walkman at
the bus top or swish them hips when he walks or wear painted on denim. But I’ve
got to say it seems to be more generational, at least in the downtown, all the
teenagers I see at Oakwood and in my hood seem to be friendly enough towards
me.
Anyways it sucked especially feeling guilty.
Ok now the reason I had all this on my mind is cause I hate Paris Hilton. She
is so gross in every respect and I can’t stand how she’s always on about how
she had to work so hard for the things she has and blah blah blah. But despite
my disdain for that crusty piece of trash, she did not deserve to have Tom Sizemore
(Tom who???) send out a press release detailing his alleged indiscretions with
Paris to promote his leaked (leaked by his publicist and sold online for 25
bucks… I wonder who gets the royalties) sex tape, which does not contain the
likeness of Lil Miss Hilton.
Ok so the one simple sentence version of what I just tried to say: he’s all
like "I fucked Paris at my house after a party I threw, she loved it"
and she’s like "Who is Tom Sizemore, and why is he all up in my mix, I
don’t recall meeting him, and I think its sad that he wants to exploit me to
hawk his videotape"
ok so here’s the thing she a stupid piece of shit, but that doesn’t mean you
can pull a high school locker room on her and be like ’she spread like warm
butter for me" when you’re really gay and giving coach big cock the works
after practice.
Whatever, I totally heard that Tom Sizemore is a pedophile, he likes em real
young, and he also likes to get on little purse dogs.
Play fair. BGA.

That inside outside voice thing has become increasingly difficult for me. Everytime i speak at least one person gets offended or tries to protect the surrounding populace from potential offention. I am being macaroniously censored habitually and i dont know if it’s me or them. Was i benefiting from a significant language barrier in Quebec? are people more concervative/anti racist here in the BIG SMOKE? thats the main one, everyone is like youre such a racist, stop uttering those racial slurs, i guess people would groan and roll their eyes in Montreal, when i got  too crash but like yo guy, don’t call me a racist when you can’t even say the word black without looking over your godamn shoulder, you will never hear me stuttering trying to decide if it’s more appropriate to say african-american or ‘urban’
I will always say black, or darkie. I guess that example is a total cop out cause everyone who knows me thats the last reason people would accuse me of being a racist, it has way more to do with what people like to call antisemitism. 2 things, 1. Jews are not the only semites and i seldomly make fun of the other desert dwellers. 2. I only tell jew jokes cause there is such a welath of good ones, it’s not like i ever have a problem with real live jews, I mean i’m no fucking zionist but I’m not gonna get my hate on for a stranger, you have to earn my dislike.  and just for the record, i make fun of jews, fags, rich, poor, straight, male, female, cocasoid, negroid or mongaloid, and up until recently when christine made a real good point about franchisement and power, i used to have this aborigional joke i loved (it also involves gays) but Chrissy was right and i have retired that one. Ooh I also know a great pedophile one, but if you have a harsh relationship with sexual abuse i recomend you make sure i never tell it you.

So leg two of this post is the line crossing logic/ paranoia.
So logic says if you are a confessor in an editorial style blog which draws heavily from your personal life for subject matter you shouldnt be a pussy. rather the more sordid and humiliating the tale the more reason to post it. only a vain self indulgent shit bag like Paris hilton would ask for people to pay attention to their personal life and then make sure that they are always seen in a positive light.
Paranoia, if i tell people all the juicy stuff i’ve been keeping out of the blog for the last couple monthes i will be entirely exposed and some conservative piece of poo could hold my past against me later on.
Ooh i think that just made it all the clearer. The political climate of the last 5 years has fostered this ultra damaging backwards fall in line or prepare to fight for your life, risk equals expulsion from survivor island, attitude and i’m not down
So unless i totally chicken out my next post will be a reveal of sorts, well for some of you at least. for others it will be another occasion for you witness me twisting the facts to engraciate myself with the rest and hopefully come off as a heroic selfless narrator who prizes honesty and integrity over public opinion and acceptance.
do you like how i wrote public opinion… you are my public, I am Jessica Simpson to your overweight middle american eyes.
thanks for everything dear reader, thanks.
xxx BGA

Get it while it’s hot cause honey I’m servin up heapin piles of it,
whatever be you’re concern no doubt we can find a cheap, if not free
solution… never mind the fact that my own life is a steaming lump of
shit.
I feel like i spend all my free time helping people do their work, and
giving people relationship advice… both of these could be paid
positions (personal assistant/ mule & you know, like: professional
advice giver) and i remain jobless desperately trying to find some
source of sustainable income.
It’s funny, Kate thinks I’m an idiot, albeit an extremely intelligent
one. but she’s like all: "He thinks he’s so smart cause people ask him
for advice, but really people just ask him for advice so they can
argue, justify what they really want by having him play devils
advocate." *note Kate’s actual phrasing was more like: " He makes those
guys think he’s the smart one, but he’s just a normal one, and those
guys keep on asking him things, but what they really want…….{long
pause}…. what was I saying?…. Hey that’s mine, don’t touch
it……{long pause}… yeah he thinks he knows, but they just want to
tell themselves…"
O.k. so Kate may have a good point, most of the time people ask me for
advice i give them gems, pearls a veritable lock box full of precious
and semi-precious stones, and usually they ignore my advice and do what
they had set out to do in the first place… but the part Kate does not
account for is the two week to two months later when they all call back
saying: "I was foolish to have ignored the sensible advice you gave me,
I wish I would have behaved with more self respect as you had
recommended, I guess you were right about everything you genius
psychic." but I try to focus on the supportive and not remind them I
was right and they were blind, just ask Rose.
So I’ve never been in a long term relationship, so this has enabled me
to become fiercely independent, so this has helped me foster a
seriously judgemental view of people who are suckers for, I mean really
into love, that doesn’t mean i don’t know best.<!–
D(["mb","
\r\n
\r\nOn an unrelated note
\r\nOh please please take me behind the velvet rope, show me in your\r\npoignant and beautiful overly contrasted photos of the private lives of\r\nyour celebrity friends exactly how Drew Barrymore spent new years 2003,\r\nwhat a still looks like when he\'s sleeping and what shoes Sophia Copatola wears when she\'s meeting Marc Jewcobs for tea in Paris... I fucking hate that lame bullshit b lister crap, so Amanda de Cadenet can kiss my big white ass.\r\n
\r\nBGA
\r\n\r\n",0]
);
D(["ce"]);
D(["ms","250"]
);

//–>

On an unrelated note
Oh please please take me behind the velvet rope, show me in your
poignant and beautiful overly contrasted photos of the private lives of
your celebrity friends exactly how Drew Barrymore spent new years 2003,
what a still looks like when he’s sleeping and what shoes Sophia Copatola wears when she’s meeting Marc Jewcobs for tea in Paris… I fucking hate that lame bullshit b lister crap, so Amanda de Cadenet can kiss my big white ass.

BGA