The BGA

i’m a theif i stole from my sister, i stole from my mother and i’ll steal from you too

Fuck Spring

(i stole this blog from my sister shw)

Things are cooling down here in Montreal, though turmoil seems to simmer regardless. Poverty still reigns, and hope has taken a hit, but i still cant say no. speaking of which, i didnt say no when nissa asked me yesterday, after soaking and freezing my ass off in the windy rain, if she could treat me to a ten minute bain de soleil on the lowest setting. I know there’s a million reasons not to go to bronzage, and a million more if you went to artschool, where the judgment remarkably is way more harsh, but no one ever says: "for the price of two diet cokes you can heat your body for ten minutes and create a warm glow that will last for near an hour." Don’t get me wrong you wont see me around montreal pulling a christina aguilera orange tanorexia (at least not till august), but had i known about the residual warmth tanning can provide, i would have spent four much happier winters. I also question whether the bronzage can aide the clearing of ones head , like say yoga or pilates? and if maybe i might have recognised my recent path to cashlessness prior to d-day or black friday as i call it, and saved myself all this woe, and you my dear reader of all this melodrama. i know this much, for two fitty you can count on me doing it again on tuesday.

So my little sister started dating this new guy, who’s a bit older than me, (i say ‘a bit’ casually cause its not so much an issue that he’s older than her, but i do want to stress that he is way older than me… only for the sake of my youthful vanity)

anyways they have begun a romance and i guess she was busting a chill with him the other day and they went to his apartment, and much to her chagrin she found his kitchen to be in a state of emergency, which quickly launched her into her own crisis: her breath quickened, her knees weakened & she groped in vain for some kind of a solid surface to lean on. when she realized that the only solid thing she had managed to find was a dirty dish with dried KD stuck to it she shrieked and passed out. She woke up hours later to find herself stripped naked with a bloody asshole… Just Kidding HA!, So she was fine, but she put the boy straight, and told him that: "Seeing that disgusting kitchen makes me, want to clean it, and i promise you i will never do your dishes, so if you wanna get any from me, Mr. Smooth Operator, you’d do yourself a favor to scrub a dub dub."

The following day she recounted the incident to me over the phone. I had only one piece of advice for her: "Dump him before he dirties your life.. a 27 year old who cant keep his kitchen clean is bad news!" as soon as the words passed my lips, i was transported as would happen in the Matrix or some other new CGI’ed film, back into my own bedroom where i was sitting.

My bedroom has not been clean for at least three weeks and before that probably another three weeks and before that probably the last time someone was coming to visit and i tidied. anyways  it was a harsh wake up, imagining that the older brother of any guy i might convince to pay attention to me, might find that i was wholly unprepared for a relationship.

It’s not that i’m dying to get into a relationship or anything quite so lame, but just to think that I would judge myself so harshly if i wasn’t me, and not just for the messy bedroom thing, although i should note here that: between Alana and myself the dishes are generally done on a timely basis at our house, infact all common spaces… but that’s not the point the point is that i’m a graduated loser! I work a shitty retail job that makes me somewhat miserable, i am and will be in debt at least until the end of summer, I am prone due to my unshakable negative outlook,  to moodiness and am quickly losing my good looks to time and malnutrition. and thats just the tip of the iceberg. I am at heart an imaginist (is this the opposite of a realist?) despite all of my unquestionable character flaws, the ones i acknowledge anyway, i still for some imaginist reason feel superior to everyone: some guy who cant keep his kitchen clean, my little sister who would chose to date such a slob, my co-workers who also work in retail misery and losers on the internet who don’t read my blog….

well this has certainly been uplifting for me. I dont know what i’ve realized form all of this, are slobs worth dating? is judgment lame?, am I going to get real ugly fast without my spinach? is my sister going to be pissed i sold her out so i could have something to write about? and most importantly am i so creepy that I’m not worth knowing?

One thing is for sure, i will be consoling myself in the arms of good ol’ faithful , my bootie call, tonight. he doesnt judge me on anything but how i fuck and how quick i can get to his place, and i think i can scam a haircut off him.

word. BGA

Hello friends , lovers and haters; todays blog will be dedicated (for the most part) to other people and the things they’ve done or funniness they’ve been. so to start off here are three links to some funny shit: first off is Roses blog, she’s witty, she’s crazy, and she’s horny http://rosemary.blogs.friendster.com/rose_daily/

second is a girl i dont know but she’s pretty cute, she calls herself Mrs Gyllenhaal so you’ve got to give her some props right off, and her postings on penelope cruz and mario vasquez are a gas: http://stupidfamouspeople.blogs.friendster.com/

next is a page by a total stranger/random, my friend janet sent me the link and i think its cute. http://moshpitgirl.blogspot.com/

now onto the body of this bitch. k, so many developments have occured and oral feedback re: ass eating and cocksucking, i gotta say people feel way more comfy talking about it where theres no computer evidence. so heres the jist most of us agree ass eating is most enjoyable in the shower where there’s a constant stream of water to wash out both the ass and the mouth and creepy odors can not really be detected… WATER CHANGES EVERYTHING…. also rose wanted me to let you all know that she would not ingest hers exes shit she’d just casually spit it on the sheets and get back to work. now cocksucking, i feel kinda bad cause i made some editorial descisions that left some people feeling annoyed and singled out, so for starters i want to make it clear… the whole point of the story was to illustrate that even the most seemlingly open minded people are can be prejudiced and that everyone has their own story and proclivity and the fact that someone is opposed to suking a cock doesnt make them a boring or unimaginative lover, it makes them a lesbian…. just kidding, it makes them someone with a significantly lower chance of catching some nasty std on their lips where they cant hide it or deny its existance, try getting a job at a daycare witha a harsh case of VD on your mouth…. anyways everyone likes different things and thats cool just know what you like or be open to trying new things including chewing on someones cornhole. oh yeah and dont force people that too. unless thats what they like. ok the other thing is this: the person i used as an example the one who’s not so much about the public sex talk and blowjobs is actually an amalgamation of three friends of mine, so its not just one solitary killjoy non cocksucker. so i was reading dress your family in coduroy and denim, by david sedaris (it’s a gas) and noticed that in the back of the book (loaned to me by my friend vanessa) that there was a love letter in the back, upon further inspection i found out that it was written under the influence of wine and horniness in the hallways at the art school so here for your consideration, oh and ps, if anyone reading knows the boy in question do us all a favor and tell him vaness rocks and that she likes him k?:

" I’m obssessed with a boy i don’t know. i’m fascinated by the way he crosses his leggs one over the other. His overlapping leg moving forward and backwards. His hazy exprssion. As if he has some secret joke that no one else understands. he speaks to me in short brief clippings of conversation, as if he can only say so much, grin and walk away. he has no idea i want him. he could be going home to someone named susane with perfect skin and one of those personalities that makes everyone feel comfortable. Like they’re with their family, at liberty to say anything. He just stamped past me, sighing as he walked through the door. He wears plaid shirts with long sleeved under tees and messy brown hair. His voice is low and serious and I will never know what he is all about. There can be no positive outcome. If I try and befriend him he will see me as a friendly girl who says hello to everyone and is good with greeting formalities. If I ignore him he will think me a stuck up sort of person who paints and spends most of her time shutting people out, which is what i probably am. So i have chosen a ground somewhere between these two points, no where really and with no where to go. I can never win. Perhaps the mystery i cloud around him is unessassary; like when i hear these kinds of ideas from someone else that I don’t know in refrence to me, and I cringe on the way they’ve put me on a pedestle. It’s extremely unconfortable. But then maybe not, maybe he scribbles in back of boods for lack of paper, maybe he looks at me and thinks, there’s something remarkable how I chew my nails and stare off into space."

well vaness with anyluck he’ll know you exist pretty soon. for any art school regulars the boy in question is friends with that guy doing his masters in sculpture from the states, whose doing crash test dummies.

Catherine Breillat is funny. her funny was in "sex is comedy" check it out, its bound to be an aretschool fave.

tyler waxes his chest and ass. thats funny.

ok, so comment with your funny and hu,iliating stories, or continue to to comment or read this. i enjoy it more than any opf you suckers out there anyways, so i’ll see you all, even if that means no one, in hell. BGA

As promissed i return to my uniterupted postulations on sex acts and desire . what i want to make clear is that i am curious about desire for things that promise no specific release…. like as i wrote before about the clit in the larynx thing.
Todays topic of choice is ass munching. this topic deserves feedback cause i think there is a lot of people who are dying to try ass eating who havent yet for one of a million reasons like insecurity or fear of eating shit.
lets talk about the bad before we talk about the good, i want to end on a happy note.
so ass munching can be very scary, even for the seasoned pro, asses are mysterious places and a lot goes on there that even it’s owner isnt completely aware of. so getting your tongue intimately aquainted with one can be taxing on the nerves to say the least. here’s the worst that can happen you catch a nasty case of some horrible and potentially incurable STD. Ok so this situation totally sucks, and makes the whole thing seem like it’s just not worth it, but remeber all anatomical sex holes are risky, and clinic people have a wealth of advice on how to play safe… the only one i know about is using a latex barrier, like a condom cut into a flat rectagular piece, quite frankly i aint never chewed on a condom in someones ass but have a feeling after writing this that next time my face is beconned into the crack i may go the rubber way. ok so thats probably the WORST thing that can happen when licking someones anus, next worst thing is oraly ingesting turd. theres no cute funny way of putting it, eating shit is a total risk when face first into someones ass, and, in my limited experience, it is gross, and if youre not %100 turned on by the person whose ass is in your mouth, the shit thing will be enough to get you dressed and have you on the curb hailling a cab faster than he can say: “whats wrong baby?” if you actually like or better still desire the person in front of you, usually a quick sip of something alcholic and bitter will help get you back on track, if you love your partner like my friend ROSE did (with one of her exes) you’ll relish the opportunity to taste of your lovers shit, and keep going full force unfazed by the nut brown.
Ok so those i think are pretty much the scariest things about “let[ing] your mouth go where it wants to”
the good part is pure unbriddled joy, if your partner is someone whose ass excites you, and it helps if they’ve just showered and gotten rid of all sleeping turds. in a shit free ass that doesnt smell creepy( sidebar, i will be getting to the creep factor soon enough i swear) it’s easy to loose all self control and chew into that thing like it’s thanksgiving. i myself have only experienced the unbriddled animal ass eating impluse once, with this guy called michael, aside form him haveing a lovely ass he had just cleaned up and it was one of the first times i had gotten that close with my face to an asshole, i went to town on that thing and had the time of my life. another time was with this guy; Marc-Anthony (do you think J-lo eats her Marc -anthonys ass?) he was older and seemed like a sex pro, you know the type? they direct all the movement, seem to know exactly how to have smooth sex like a pornstar and are never fazed by the creepy things like having your sister and her buddy accidentaly walk into your room while youre 69ing. well M-A was all of the above and a bag of chips…. or at least a giant cock and sparkling clean anus that was smooth as a pashmina. eating his ass was a pleasure, a learning experience and suprise, and i will always remeber that fondly, unlike the feeling of being split in two by his massive dick which almost entirely turned me off ever botoming.
anyways both those men taught me volumes about sexual desire and it’s manifestation in ass munching, when i munch an ass and loose myself to it, it’s like animal there is no cerebral participation, pure lust and action, the problem with this trance like state is that it takes very little to break its delicate power over your brain, and if for one second you overthink what youre doing, the ass in front of you is doomed. i myself find if i am supposed to eat an ass i dont automatically want to dive into, i cant shake all of the practical ass questions in my mind, and suffer from phantom shit scares. even worse you start on an ass youre into, and somewheer along the line the trance is broken, you want out of the ass and you dont even want to have sex anymore.
huh?
well so much for illumination, ending on a good note or even being remotly interesting….
thanks for tuning into “way too much information” land
your host BGA.

I will open up todays installement with an excerpt from a rather steamy (certainly explicit) e-mail a dear friend whose name rhymes with Pose, sent me:

"i had sex on the block yesterday. he’s my  forman. he mastrubated me till icame and fucked me (in work clothes, pants around our knees) over the tree boxes. i sucked his cock. he kept coming to find me on my piece and we’d start it up all over again. "

Man Alive.

So i am totally cock obsessed, quite literally, i obssess over cocks, looking at boys trousers imagining them, or better still using a systematic geometrical division to isolate a boys cock in his trow, fantasizing about cocks of different ethnic origin, size, guirth, curvage ,ejaculatory power, or just thinking about how you can keep a boys pulse by looking at the slight bob of his hardon, i could play with my own for days before i got bored and then all i’d have to do is start playing with someone elses to renew my undivided interest.

I have a friend who is by no means a psycho churchy prude or like sexually repressed, but she is less about the public broadcasting of her "perversities" than i . I wondered if this was because she had a strong sense of decorum, or privacy or some other reasonable thing that would keep her from telling me, like Sarah Jessica Parker and her actor friends over brunch, about the specifics or her cock handeling technique or what she wants done to, with, and around her pussy, or if she was just amused by shall we say more convetional methodes of stimulation (*read: mitionary stees, or maybe the good ol hole in the sheet.) So i saked point black, a question i though would be an indication of maybe a strong sex drive " Do you ever just look at a man, someone you know, are involved with, a stranger or otherwise… and think to yourself, i want his cock in my mouth!" (aside: ok so maybe my wording here is a little clumsy… I wanted to know if she was a freak nasty and into things that were highly sexual, but provide less physical gratification (to a giver) than say satiate desire and lust… that is to say, most of us don’t have the deepthroght with the clit at the back you know what i mean…)

So meanwhile she’s all like " no"….. i was in disbelief, but she explained that she had never been particularly fond of giving head, and it was definitly not a proclivity that would have her horned up just by thinking about it the way that say a vibrator or face between her knees would.

this only seemed strange to me cause i instictualy believed (hello dilusional) that putting things in your mouth was like a very basic urge towards things we want (or want to consume) again with the clumsy rationalistation, basically i though it was so second nature that cocks were to be sucked, just like puss pusses were to be eaten, and everything else should also be spit on, licked, sucked, tickled, guzzled and whatnot.  and apparently it’s not. i mean of course its not, but its one of those things where im like "you just dont know how fun it is" or some other stupid thing that sounds so similar to shit hetero’s have said to me over the years about sex with women, (which i’m sure is phenominal but so not for me)

So I guess she’s an oral bottom like tracy ulman & I’m cock obssessed. fair game yeah?

I have to go, but i’m not done by a long shot. tune in twomorrow to see me wax on assmunching.

Astrologer says:

The new events that have entered your life since last week (being a broke ass mofo, and finally in a humiliating display of desperation begging for some cash), ALEXANDRE, are actually making you quite excited (i am excited about finally paying rent.) They promise a whole new sense of adventure and the chance to explore areas of life that you know very little about (living without spending.) The Solar Eclipse may have brought things to your attention that need sorting out. But you have probably known this for some time. There is a chance that somewhere along the line you have been selling yourself short and have been buying into beliefs that don’t really do you justice (agreed, i don’t give myself enough credit for how amazing i am.) This week you can begin to change all that, and embark on a course that really will do you justice. Venus sextiles Pluto on Monday, which indicates the presence of strong desires (like the giant hardon i woke up with today, and how i keep being like: maybe i ought to give ol’ ’so and so’ a call.) You know what you want and need to be flexible about the way you get it(are you kidding me???) ; coming on too strong (especially if this is love we are talking about) might not work so well(just when i had decided to adopt vanessa direct approach to communication.) Mercury does turn direct on Tuesday though, which is great news for your further progress(sidebar, these are the effects of mercury in retrograde: Mercury retrograde is a challenging planetary influence that lasts about three weeks and occurs three times a year. It can confuse aspects of our lives ruled by Mercury, like communication, technology, mental processes, and travel. You may suddenly find people or issues from your past resurfacing. Mercury retrograde acts as a great teacher. Patience, sympathy, and clarity are the qualities to cultivate during these times. Oh, and remember to backup your computer.) Travel, seminars, higher education, legal loopholes - all are beckoning, and now the moment can be seized (i’m gonna file my taxes tonight!) No more waiting - you can cheerfully sign up and commit to deals or projects or whatever you want. Onwards and upwards is the way ahead.

lets just hope this leads to big bucks, good sex and some yummy food. If you wanna help fulfill my astral destiny, or contribute to my well being, come find me. BGA.

You know how friendster has started putting little coloured circles that correspond to your astral relationships with your friends under their pictures…

green is good, yellow is strained, and red is bad bad bad, well guess who opened his profile only to find that he doesnt have one single green circle.

This is balance, after all that time (like the last 3 years) where i felt like i had a golden horseshoe up my ass, cosmic tieds do shift and now all i have is red circles where my friends used to be and debt were my cash used to runneth over (well not quite but in comparison to my current broke ass status it sure feels like that.)

i slept well last night and had a dream…  i am dreaming again or at least i did. I dreamt i was with several people in a shop trying to agree on a dvd we wanted to watch together, we never picked one. i didnt know it was cause the universe was trying to prepare me for the fact that everyone i know hates me today. i wonder how long all of this is scheduled to last.

mercury’s retrograde transit ends on the 12th of april, maybe things will start to get better.

BGA

My friend Vanessa, had a little altercation with some of her cohabitants (thank god they’re all mature and have the sensitivity of sand paper) anyways i was chopping onions, so the tears in my eyes were the perfect camouflage: i seemed oblivious but was really able to observe, with wonder the way she handled herself. Rather than eat her frustration and say something typical and passive agressive like "it’s ok" in a tone that really means "this is not ok" she looked them in the eye and said, "ok. I’m handeling this, but like I’m angry. It’s going to be ok, but right now i’m pissed"

I’m pissed right now, it may be ok later on but right now i’m furious, and frustrated. worst is i’m not sure who i am really angry at. this lady at the bank who i thought might be my hero last week when she proposed i apply for a line of credit to end my current financial woes, has now gone over her 48 business hours later reply by like four and half hours, plus i left her two messages asking her to get in touch with me regardless of credit thing outcome (aka, i wanna know as soon as possible how far up shits creek i am before the shit storm starts, you know so i can find a shit rope to tie my shit boat up with, so i can disembark from shits creep and set up shit camp on the shit banks) and now the bank is closed, and she’s driving home in her four wheel drive, cd player, leather interior controlled temperatur, electric seat adjusteing SUV, to her palacial suburban domicile, to enjoy some quality time with her luxury mini dog, and her boyfriend with a six figure salary, and cable television, with all the good channels (she’ll never watch) like bravo and bet. and i’m still working another day, with no cash, no lunch, and no hopeful prospects, and the harsh reality that even after i get my next paycheck(in a week and a half!) i will still be overdrawn & maxed out, as i have been for the last month.                                        where does the gas company get off charging people $450.00 a month for heating in the winter anyways, it’s totally out of order.

it could be worse, it could still be cold outside, and i could be ugly right?

okay well in that case, here’s to being drop dead gorgeous, now if only i could coast through life on my face and charm alone…. maybe next lifetime.

BGA (rose, i love you)

A good friend of mine  has this sort of boyfriend whose all like long term depressed and self loathing (but like without saying it to anybody… my friend is just really intuitive and loving.) He likes being involved, but cant quite keep up. he’s at a point where he’s reconciled with himself that his cotidien habits are suspect and potentially damaging, but he’s resigned to them cause he’s like powerless (or at least feels that way)

so why am i talking about some random dealing with H/C post adolescent existential anxieties, lack of self confidence, trust issues and a potential napolean complex? It seems like so many people are depressed, but like desperately, like making bad desicions and hiding, and hating. Lord knows, as does anybody whose been reading this blog, there’s a certain amount of self loathing affecting my perspective (of course my loathing of everyone else helps me to find balance)

it’s not some seasonal thing, i think it’s a cultural trend, people who care and are paying attention have been so drastrically demoralised by the perpetual stream of setbacks. in the new millenium, people hate people, they dont give a shit about anyone but their own families, family values are crucial cause it keeps the focus on insular institutions, it’s like the basis of nationalism, right, like familyism. So the hate outside is getting more and more focussed as is the general lack of resposability to the world like what my little sister would reffer to as an ecological footprint.

Ok so maybe i’m a little hopped up on caffine right now, and maybe the whole world is more likely depressed cause of some kind of shit we’ve been ingesting cause of all the extra estrogen in our drinking water and dairy products, or because of volotile synthetic products we’re consuming as the guinnea pigs for companies like kraft or because there seemed to be so much promise for a future that now doesnt seem so garanteed to us, or because of a progressive desensitisation that has left us with a less than stellar regard for life, our own included….

maybe i’m just waxing on a saturday morning, but i get a strong feeling alot of people are not feeling all that jump out of bed it’s a brand new day today. maybe it’s astral, and this is all tied to water and gravity. or maybe we really are kinda fucked.

ok moving along…

so you know how when you finally admit something to yourself, (i.e. the root of some issue your dealing with) you cant stop admitting it. like i found the reason, i can say it over and over again, cause now i know what it’s called, but like i named it in december and i aint made no efforts to deal since then except admitting. booo, being human sucks, i wish i was a bunny or cat or something or maybe a stylish rich cartoon character.

but then again, bunnies don’t have the dexterity to exhibit their confessions in online postings do they?

the one outside bites the dust. BGA

I hate, i rerpeat hate when people use your disadvantages to gain the upper hand and make you look like shit, and then whilst ignorantly admiting to their lust for control, try to lie in your face, or in you ear as the case may be, about the whole thing. Trying to make you sound crazy (maybe cause you havent eaten properly in like four day what with your recent lack of money situation) and then in the same breath presenting their solution which is essentially a hostile take over…. only youre just to drainned from feeling betreyed, used annoyed, and hungry that youre just like, i’m just gonna sit here and watch, i’m gonna let you do your thing, and just hope that i can get my own act together. i’m gonna do my best not to cry when youre around, or seem bitter, i will let my mature faculties drive this ship, and bite my lip everytime i want to yell. i will listen and do, but i wont respect you.

bullshit rationalistaions, like try it on someone else slim, i aint no genius, but it’s obvious that between the two of us, one has a more honned up analytic sence, and it aint you hommie.

oh well i bet im a worse liar than that.
bga